The Movie Critic is Born

I would like to start by warning you that this has spoilers.. a lot of spoilers. Spoilers that will not only brief you about the plot of the movie, rendering it pointless to watch, but those who watched it and enjoyed it might want to reconsider reading any further.

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Staring Brad Pitt and other people who’s names don’t matter

The Cast

As you can see from the poster than I hastily downloaded off the internets, this movie stars Brad Pitt. No one else in this movie is relevant. A quick search on IMDB reveals that the movie is 1hr 56min long, which I have to say is a comfortable length. Its not excruciatingly long, and neither is it “we thought we had enough money to film the whole film but, you know we don’t have that much money really… sorry” short. It’s manageable.

Another search on IMDB reveals that the other central figures in this movie are his wife, real name Mireille Enos (Who has appeared in The Killing (I have never heard of this movie), Gangster Squad (again….) and Animal Attraction (Sounds like a porn movie but isn’t).

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Pitt’s wife’s face is like this for like 80% of the movie

The Director

His name is Marc Forster. IMDB tells me that he moved to Davos, Switzerland, with his German parents. I can also inform you that to date he has directed movies such as Machine Gun Preacher (sounds like a B movie I would watch), Quantum of Solace (which I thought was a pile of slightly dry horse shit), Kite Runner (read the book and did not watch the movie), Finding Neverland and Monsters Ball to name a few. He is a complete unknown to me.

The Plot

If I don’t make sense it’s because the movie didn’t make sense to me. I am also by the way a person who enjoys zombie movies. With that in mind the action this movie started off with had me sitting up. The opening 15-20min lay out the story is just random. There are a few explosions, a few UNBELIEVABLE car accidents. Then all of a sudden Pitt is working again. Some sort of virus turns people into violent, screaming, quick moving “zombies” (I put that in inverted commas because they never confirm or deny that that’s what they are calling them. Also apart from their thirst for human flesh, they look more like someone who spent 5min too longer under one of those sun bed tanning things).

Anyway Pitt plays the role of some dude who used to work for the U.N and has been to “Some very dangerous places around the world”, which is something they keep mentioning throughout the movie. But most of the time he is surrounded by a some American marines or Israeli army who are armed to the teeth. We never really see him being bad ass. Even at the end of the movie when he works out how to get past the “zombie”, he still doesn’t seem badass. In fact the most badass person in the movie is this Israeli army chick. Yes Pitt Saves her, but she’s hardcore. loses a hand, but keeps on going. She’s the one with the beret below.

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Regardless of the fact that he has been in some dangerous places around the world, he still has a corp protecting him…

They travel from America to Israel to Wales in pretty quick succession as they follow the virus. Pitt goes from being some guy who has been to dangerous places to suddenly working out how to mask yourself from the zombies. He works this out faster than the best virologists the movie has to offer. However that’s understandable. His name is the only one on the poster for a reason.

Conclusion

If you are a true zombie movie fan, don’t bother. If you like action movies that are light on a story line, the go for it. If you like thrillers that have a story that quickly fizzles out into an adventure movie, with “zombies” that move at a frenetic speed but close up look like someone who has taken waaaay too much magic mushrooms, then go for it.

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On a scale of 1 to 10 of scariness of zombie looks, I put this in the low to mid 0…

Oh, Pitt and one other person are the only two survivors of a plan crash… he throws a grenade at some zombies. They are the only two who survive. THAT’S why he was needed to solve this “zombie” apocalypse.

Watch if you don’t really have anything else to do. I can tell you I deleted it after I watched it… so did Chris…

Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes – Oscar Wilde

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Author: ensigntongs

Husband, parent of two (dogs), music junkie, electro jiving, movie loving, needy beer liking, "alternative", fun loving, carefree, occasionally hangry, PS3 addict, funky house head bopping, willing zombie response team member, whiskey drinker, conspiracy theorist, android loving, Apple hating, Kenny Rogers respecting, life and fun loving member of planet earth!

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