Almost a movie
Almost a movie

Almost Human, turned out to be almost a movie. Almost is maybe more credit than the movie deserves. I give it a solid upper 4/10 for the movie. The nice thing is that this movie was only 1hr19min long, there are some truely gruesome murders, there is a vague attempt at making the movie scary, and there is also some ridiculous acting and facial expresssions almost as bad as Will Smith’s kid in After Earth. So basically its based on some events that occured in Maine, USA. The fact that it is “based on events” means that the artistic licence is thrown directly at the storyline, and what once had the potential of being far fetched, becomes something truely out of the mind of a rather lazy wanna be script writer.

So the basic premised is that there have been sightings of lights in the skies and weird occurrences. It starts off with some dude named Seth speeding off to see his friend, babbling about lights in the sky and another guy getting taken by the light. There is the usual “don’t go outside!!” and the friend being skeptical and going outside. Anyway his friend (can’t remember his name) eventually gets taken by this light while on his front lawn.

This is Seth
This is Seth

Two years later the lights appear again. Seth is convinced his friend is coming back and that something bad is about to happen (of course. We weren’t told this but he is psychic). He tries to warn some people, they think he is crazy especially since this is the second time that he has told people shits about to pop off.

Seth's friend and abductee
Seth’s friend and abductee

His abducted friend comes back (of course). He get’s found in the woods naked and covered in some sort of goo. He lets off some sort of blood curdling eerie scream (that sounds similar to the noise the… aliens made when they first came and took him) and the murders the two poor hunters who found him. He then proceeds on a murderous rampage, blowing a service station owners head off, stabbing a guy refueling his car multiple times, he goes to his old house and kills the new home owners, finds his ex girlfriend (now married), murders her fiance, takes her hostage, calls Seth and tells him he is home.

Seth's abducted friend's ex girlfriend
Seth’s abducted friend’s ex girlfriend

Of course after he murders these people (as long as their heads are intact), he then proceeds to plant something inside them via the alien version of mouth to mouth resuscitation. It results in the people cocooning and then coming back as these almost human alien thingies who want to take over and control everything. It is very vague and it sounds like the aliens do not actually have a plan


At the end of the movie they all die. Seth is shot in the back by a policeman while he is in the middle of the road bashing his friends ex girlfriend in the head with a rock he found on the side of the road (she had been implanted with the alien… thing), Seth’s friend’s head gets shot off by Seth as he is trying to save Seth’s ex girlfriend who is about to be directly implanted with this alien thing via her lady bits (yes it happens… it is quite disturbing).

The final thought I want to share is that all the other cocooned bodies were killed by Seth… except for the ex girlfriend’s fiance. The was left to continue turning. Dear director of this movie (I could’t google your name but I am not going to afford you another hit on Google coz this was garbage), please let that fact slide and do NOT bring another one of these flicks. It felt like he watched Invasion of The Body Snatchers and thought he could do one better…. no…

Things I learnt from this movie

  1. If you see some lights, and someone gets abducted, don’t wait in the same town for two years for him to come back and kill a bunch of people. The police will think you are mad and eventually shoot you
  2. There are some people who somehow manage to get given money to direct a movie that even makes it to the cinema. I am in the process of setting up a movie vetting commission that does not allow some movies to make it to the cinema (regardless of the budget) and that sends them straight to DVD
  3. If your partner gets abducted by aliens or being, or better yet by a light from your front garden, if s/he doesn’t come back after two years and you decide to move on and get remarried, move town.
  4. Never trust a man with a Rick Ross ginger beard walking around with a hunting rifle on his back. He was probably abducted by aliens…

Author: ensigntongs

Husband, dog owner (two dogs), music junkie, electro jiving, movie loving, beer liking, "alternative", fun loving, carefree, occasionally hangry, PS3 addict, funky house head bopping, willing zombie response team member, whiskey drinker, conspiracy theorist, android loving, Kenny Rogers respecting, life and fun loving member of planet earth! I am also a construction professional currently working for a property developer as a project manager.

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