50 Shades of Grey (Nonsense) – *Spoiler Alert*

I would not suggest watching this movie on valentines.... it's not a valentines day movie
I would not suggest watching this movie on valentines…. it’s not a valentines day movie

I would like to start by saying that there will be spoilers in this. If you get butthurt by what I have to say about this movie then I think you should go for a walk, watch the flick again and then read my blog. If you haven’t watched it, don’t bother. It’s a complete hot mess.

So last night my wife came over and we made some popcorn and decided to watch a flick. As it was I had downloaded (illegally obviously) a copy of 50 Shades. The intention wasn’t to watch 50 Shades. In fact, we had another flick that we were supposed to watch but it turned out that I had downloaded (illegally obviously) part 2 and possibly deleted part one. As she was going through my external hard drive looking for a flick to watch she picked 50 Shades. I agreed because I have had the flick for about 6 months and we had been saying we were going to watch it together.

Well that movie has been deleted from my hard drive. Waste of space and also a waste of bandwidth that I could have used to download (illegally obviously) another movie.

Meet Christian Grey
Meet Christian Grey

So this is the main dude in the movie who is supposed to be this 27-year-old billionaire. He exercises a lot and seems like a control freak. He doesn’t exhibit much emotion and seems very odd. I don’t know if that’s what they were trying to play him, but it was cringeworthy from very early on in the movie.

Meet Anastasia Steele
Meet Anastasia Steele

So this is the chick that wins the heart of the billionaire. I have to admit that she is kinda pretty. She’s a student about to graduate from University/College and then her flat mate falls sick and she goes to interview Mr. Grey on behalf of her flat mate and then the fuckery starts.

So the whole debacle of how these two end up being in a… you know I don’t even know what to call it because Mr. Grey makes her sign a non-disclosure agreement (For those not sure what an NDA is or what is contained in it, I got a little help from good old wikipedia). Now hang on. This dude pulled out an NDA for a girl he like fancies? She signed it without hesitating. I wonder if this is what first world women are like. I don’t know.

Also turns out that poor little Anastasia is a virgin. So her first sexual experiences turn out to be with a man who enjoys being the dominant and her being submissive.

Anastasia: Christian, how did you get into domination?

Christian: When I was 16, my mother’s friend was the dominant and I was the submissive. No one in my family knows about this.

Anastasia: Oh ok.

Wait. This dude was a minor surely when this was happening and his mom’s friend has some real fucked up sexual tendencies to be doing this with a 16-year-old, yet Anastasia acts like its perfectly normal. Is this because she was a virgin?

Of course, the fuckery in the movie then starts to escalate. Christian wants a very simple relationship where his needs are met. He has a specific set up because that’s how he rolls. I mean he has done it 15 times before so he knows what he’s doing. Anastasia starts to catch feelings and wants to spend time with him and touch him and go to movies. She also on afew occasions tries to turn him down when he buys her some expensive shit. Dude is a billionaire. Oh and he then also on top of the NDA pulls out a contract about what’s what in this world of domination. She refuses to sign the contract and continues to attend to his needs, but without a contract. She even get’s introduced as his girlfriend on a few occasions, but it’s not the case. It’s just being said. Ok after all of this Anastasia is still trying to be his chick. Her naiveness is unparalleled. The dude is also a straight-up stalker. He hunted her down on more than one occasion. Creepy shit.

After pleading with him to make her understand, he finally gives her one last hiding. This one seems to be the tipping point. She says she can’t with him anymore, and she leaves. The movie comes to a very weird end at that point. As the credits came up, I was sad to realise that this is supposed to be a trilogy. So unfortunately there are more to come. I won’t watch them, God no. But some other unfortunate sap is gonna get dragged to watch the second one.

I failed to figure out if this was a romantic love story. It was definitely not an action movie, it wasn’t a thriller, it felt like it had B-movie aspects (and I enjoy my B movies), it had some horror in it (by horror the truly shocking lack of much in the movie) but no genre apart from that.

If I was to rate this movie, I would give it a “don’t waste your time or money on it”. It had nothing memorable for me, the story seemed somewhat forced and at times disjointed. I don’t care if by the end of the second movie Anastasia gives him feelings. I would only watch the second movie if it ends up like a disaster movie and they all die…. of rabies.