Wonder Woman (2017) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Enter the Amazonian

Director:  Patty Jenkins

Stars: Gal GadotChris PineRobin Wright

Run Time: 2 hrs and 21 minutes

I love me a comic-book. I really do. For a long time, Hollywood has completely messed up some comics for me. They destroyed X-Men for me with their rendition when they decided to spew it onto the big screen. I mean there are some people who loved it, but I couldn’t get my head around why they would blatantly murder Charles Xavier and Cyclops (I didn’t mind Cyclops’ death because he’s a douche) when they are central figures in the whole bloody story. But that is for another day. Today, it’s about the Amazonian Wonder Woman.

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From left: Random Amazonian, Wonder Woman (Daughter of Zeus), Hippolyta (Mother of Wonder Woman, concubine of Zeus), and other random Amazonian

So, our friends from Hollywood decided to throw this movie at us. I must say I enjoyed the movie. It follows another one of Zeus’ offspring Diana aka Wonder Woman (Zeus seems to have children EVERYWHERE) who grew up on an enchanted island that is inhabited entirely by a race of warrior women. Unfortunately, Captain James T. Kirk finds his way to the island while running away from a horde of Nazi’s who are after his head.

 

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From left: Some guy, Captain James T. Kirk, Wonder Woman, some other guy, and a sniper who has lost his marbles.

 

Captain Kirk seems to have lost his ship, the Enterprise (again) and has found himself on an Earth that he has never seen. He eventually convinces Diana to help him stop the Nazi’s from completing their evil plan to kill a whole bunch of people, after being lassoed by the lasso of truth.

So after having grown up on an island of women, Diana finally leaves her home, possibly to never return and embarks on a quest to kill the God of War. Apparently, she was brainwashed… I mean raised to believe that the God of War is the reason why puny humans are always trying to kill each other. Not because we are all germs, but because of the God of War.

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Ares, God of War

Anyway, Diana then spends the next hour and something trying to fit into the normal world, walking around the streets of London holding a sword and a shield, melting at the sight of a baby and having a mini orgasm eating ice cream.

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The bullet repelling bangle-thingys… also ZeGerman’s can’t shoot

The movie has a pretty predictable ending to it. Captain James T. Kirk sacrifices the Enterprise… I mean his life to save a bunch of people. He dies… Before he does, he tells Diana that he loves her. Diana kills her uncle Ares and does not become the new God of War (which is a shame because I think she would have been a kick-ass God of War). The Germans also lose the war which is the only way that history can be written.

 

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Ready to deflect bullets

 

Happy ending, but also sad because Captain James T. Kirk goes down with the ship and Diana is left all by herself to survive in this world surround by puny humans (Until she meets the rest of the Justice League).

Overall Verdict

The movie was generally enjoyable, with a few funny moments that kept the movie entertaining. The action seems at times to have been put together with a degree of difficulty. It seemed as though the guys who did the storyboard for the action scenes didn’t have their daily drug fix beforehand. The rest of the story is told reasonably well. The background issues are handled decently

We got to see the lasso of truth which was also cool.

4 Lasso’s of truth out of 5. 

 

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Shark Killer *SPOILER ALERT* (THOUGH NOT NECESSARY)

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Cast:  Derek ThelerErica CerraPaul du Toit, Arnold Vosloo

Run Time: 1 sharkatastic hour and 28 dangerous minutes

So it’s that time again to review another B Movie. This movie is not so much of a B movie. In fact, this was a B+ movie. Firstly it has a pretty well know actor. He isn’t the main actor in the movie, but he has starred in movies such as The MummyThe Mummy Returns and Blood Diamond to name a few. He also featured in 24 (TV Series) as a lunatic terrorist hell bent on killing Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer kills him.

 

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The most famous actor in the movie

Anyway, the movie’s protagonist is a legendary shark hunter and killer who is afraid of water. Well not afraid, but he tries to choose not to swim very often. He is the only person who respects the dangers of playing with a large fish with dangerous teeth. Regardless, he is still employed by his brother and the antagonist at the same time and sent on a ludacris mission to kill a shark that ate a diamond. Just let that sink in for a few seconds while I compose myself.

 

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The main dude

 

I must admit I fell asleep before the end of the movie. That may have been due to the fact that I had to drink before and while watching the movie. I am not sure how the movie ends, but I am sure it has a happy ending that involved the protagonist and his girlfriend.

 

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Main dude’s chick

 

However, for a B movie, I was impressed by the fact they chose an exotic location. They didn’t find a random beach resort and claim to be in Hawaii or something like that. They came and filmed in South Africa. I was pleasantly surprised by that. In fact, they even went on to employ some South African actors. They weren’t lazy and employed an American or British actor and asked him to deliver a really bad South African accent (See Blood Diamond).

All in all, I give this B movie a solid 4 shark killers out of 5. They definitely tried and spent like real money to make the movie, they got one semi famous actor, they had some genuinely good locations that they filmed from, the writers tried and managed to make it both watchable and funny, and the movie was predictable. Just the way that B movies ever only manage to be.

 

 

Pound of Flesh (2015) *SPOILER ALERT*

 

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He doesn’t look as young as he does in the poster

 

Cast: A very old Jeane-Claude Van Damme, other people not worth mentioning but there to make up numbers

Runtime: 1hr 44 predictable minutes

So I got this movie from one of my work colleagues like a bazillion months ago and it sat on my computer unwatched. I should have taken that as a hint as to not watching it. Anyway, there is a very old looking Van Damme running around Thailand trying to find his kidney. In perfect scare tactics manner, Van Damme goes to Thailand, and on his first night there he wakes up in a bathtub of ice and water.

 

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Of course he was gonna do the splits…

 

 

So he goes about a stupid journey, hunting down the people who took his kidney. His brother pops up and it turns out the reason why Van Damme is going to hard is that he was supposed to give his kidney to his daughter who’s mother is his brother’s dead wife. Yes, Van Damme slept with his brother’s wife (when they had separated, but apparently he had a thing for her since his brother got married. Nice right?).

 

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The girl who stole all the hearts… and a kidney

 

Anyway, after some half decent fight scene, C grade quality graphics the movie painstakingly comes to an end. Van Damme gives donates his other kidney (without any prior paperwork saying that he consented) in order to save his daughter who is being raised by his brother. Oh and for the kicker: the woman who seduced and drugged Van Damme prior to the illegal surgery done on him, is forgiven by Van Damme and then hooks up with his brother after Van Damme’s death. She is also a spitting image of Van Damme’s brother’s wife. Very confusing

Overall I give this move 1 half decent car chase scene out of 5. Delete after downloading, do not download or waste the space on your computer, hard drive, memory stick, phone, or SD card.