6 Headed Shark Attack *SPOILERS ALERT*

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With a poster like this, how can you NOT watch the movie!

Runtime:1 unpainful hour and 26 hilarious minutes

Director: Mark Atkins (Known for a bunch of what looks like B-Movies with titles such as Knight of the Zombies [Which I will find and watch], Jurassic School and Android Cop)

Actors: Brandon Auret

Thandi Sebe

Cord Newman

Naima Sebe

Tapiwa Musvosvi

I have never heard of any of these actors and never seen them on a TV movie before. However, this enhanced the B-Movie experience in my opinion.

So the movie follows a few couples who have gone on a retreat for people who are struggling with their relationships. Shot on an island (I can promise you that there are VERY few B-movies that do not have water or a beach involved), the couples are trying to save their relationships that seem to be failing for various reasons.

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Couples retreat… disaster waiting to happen

The quality of the camera used in this particular B-movie is unlike any I have seen in a while. Usually, when watching a B-movie, I am expecting to pick up my phone in the first 5 minutes. This movie deserves a special mention as they managed to get my attention in the first 20 minutes of the movie. I was generally intrigued by the effort put in the movie. Of course, once they passed the 20-minute mark, things started to fall into place. The true beast that was the B-ness came out in full force.

In between the shark attacks, there were a lot of nonsensical things that were done. They continually felt it was safer on the seas than on land from the shark (before the shark decided to take a walk on the beach. Yes that actually happened and it was amazing), they argued with the owner of the island about where was safe and that resulted in some characters who eventually became annoying in dying.

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The shark’s head was partially decapitated… it finished the job, then had the nerve to throw it’s head at someone as a sort of fuck you… so rude

There were also a lot of scenes that had my wife and myself looking at each other and asking “what’s going on?”. Now, this wasn’t a case that the sound was bad or we weren’t listening. We were generally confused because the behavior of the victims of the shark attack was difficult to understand.

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Tapiwa Musvosvi – who my wife and I think is Zimbabwean…

The movie had one or two times when the attack of the shark caught myself and my wife off guard. I am not saying we were scared. It was simply a surprise of the effort that was initially put into the start of the movie with the shark. Of course, after they had used the Atari CGI at the start to entice us, they reverted back to the pre-Atari CGI which was to be expected.

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CGI that would make you spit out your coffee if you aren’t careful

Overall I think it was an enjoyable movie. Straight to TV film and download, watch and delete for this one. The quality of the shooting was quite impressive. Usually, B-movies put me off with their green screen location shooting. This movie actually did a lot of scene in South Africa and from looking at the full cast list there seem to be a few South African actors who also got to feature in the movie which is a good thing.

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This is the look of shock that we see from our cast everytime the shark “appears”. Also the female actor spent most of the movie in that bikini bra thing

I give this move an overall 2.4 shark heads out of 6 (4.5/10). It was the perfect length for a B-movie, had some humor thrown in at the correct inappropriate times, the speed of the character development was to be expected, there were certain things that were left unexplained (which is to be expected, but it wasn’t enough to make the film feel like watching a movie trailer on mute) and there were dialogue scenes that made no sense. However, the effort put into the movie has to be commended. They had a plan and they stuck to that plan… as insane as it was.

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More CGI to be proud of. Also this is how a 6 headed shark walks on land

Watch it if you like sharks, watching a shark on land, watching a shark’s decapitated head growing back, a group of people failing to work together to survive, a weather system on this island that dries clothing faster than you can go from one scene to another, CGI that would make you cringe  and watching people being stupid around water and wild animals!

 

 

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REPLICAS (2018) *SPOILERS ALERT*

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Ignore the line about some humans being unstoppable

Due to my strong views about this movie, this review is going to be a little different from the other ones. Frankly, I was surprised by the movie and this is reason I won’t be talking much about the Director (because he did a pretty shoddy/shitty job along with his friend Mr. Writer of this bag of poo).

 

The movie stars Neo aka Keanu Reeves as a crazy scientist trying to transfer the human consciousness from an organic brain into a mechanical brain. So if someone dies, these guys will download your brain from your lifeless body and then upload it into a machine. It is set in a future that is not so distant but seems as though. They have the technology to map a person’s brain and attempt to shift it into a robot that they have created, but they are still driving around in a Chevy Cruize.

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Neo driving his uncloned wife and kids

The other people in the movie do not matter because the movie was a mess.

Anyway, Neo is having a hard time at work. He is failing to shift an organic consciousness into a mechanical brain. I think that the reason why it wasn’t working was simply because that kind of thing that shouldn’t be done.

Anyway his boss is on his case and if Neo fails to do this transfer, then the lab is going to be closed down. Typical lazy writing IMO. So as expected, a tragedy befalls Neo. He has an accident while driving his family to spend the weekend on a boat and they all die. He survives.

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His cloned wife. Can you see the difference? Of course not. She was cloned in 17days flat!

All of a sudden, the crazy scientist decides to do some crazy ass shit. I mean, he really did the most. He broke a whole bunch of laws AND cloned his family to bring them back. Yes, cloned them in 17 days… but he drives to work in a Chevy Cruize….. Makes perfect sense.

Anyway, it turns out that the “company” that he was working for were not really nice people who were trying to find a way to extend human lifespan. No no no. They were a typical evil organization who wanted to put soldiers into robots so that they would have a bunch of fearless fighting dudes. Neo eventually finds out about this towards the end of the movie.

He foils them, escapes to live happily ever after with his family on a beach.

So that’s the synopsis of the movie. I was actually a little upset with this movie because there was a whole lot more than I think they could have done. They ventured into the issue of human cloning and sped past it faster than Usain Bolt in his prime. There was a lack of connection made between Neo and me. There were plenty of times that I called him a douche while watching the movie. In fact, Neo’s best friend, who ends up dying in the movie after helping him clone his family, states “We are both going to hell for this”, and yet he dies but Neo continues to flourish.

They could have turned his family evil. After all the swapping consciousnesses and being cloned, they could have come back with more of an attitude, a disease, a bit of insanity. Anything. Hell, they could have turned this movie into a zombie movie and it would have been better than the 1hr 47min of my life that I am never gonna get back.

Now I appreciate there may be some people who watched this movie who liked it and are pretty upset that I am saying. That’s allowed. We all have opinions and you know what they say about those.

In conclusion, the budget for this movie was USD$30,000,000.00. The movie opened to some 3,000+ cinemas around the world and made a grand total of USD$2,500,000.00 in box office takings, the worst that Neo has ever done in a movie that he has acted in.

If the movie was a little bit longer, spent a bit more time on character development (his family come in at the beginning of the movie, die 15 minutes later, spend half the movie being cloned and then come back for the last 30 minutes), and actually did more with the story I think that this movie could have been a good one. Instead, it will forever be that movie that skipped the straight to DVD and went from cinema to bargain bucket.

 

Bumblebee (2018) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Run time: 1 Swift hour and 54 painless minutes

Directed by: Travis Knight

Writers:  Christina HodsonChristina Hodson

Starring:  Hailee SteinfeldJorge Lendeborg Jr.John Cena

After a rather disappointing end of the previous Transformers movies (in my opinion), I was very sceptical about the Bumblebee movies. So sceptical in fact, that I only watched the movie last week. I waited until all the fanfare had died down, got myself a copy of the movie and sat down with my wife to watch it.

Now I have always been a big fan of the Transformers franchise, though I am also quite critical of it. The first two or so movies I felt had things in order. After that, the movies started to feel a whole lot repetitive. The action in the movies was top notch because Michael Bay was directing them. Of course in this movie Bay takes a producer role.

 

I really enjoyed Bumblebee. It was the first Transformers movie that had more emotion than explosions. The lead does a pretty good job and as always Bumblebee is very entertaining even though he hardly says much as with all the other Transformers movies.

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Boy of the left keeps trying to fill his feeling station with girl on the right

A good job to replace Witwickey’s parents. The leads parents brought a fresh bit of humour to the movie and funnily explored the difficulty of a step parent.

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The obligatory destruction of a house by an alien robot

Though the action sequences were few in the movie, it was still quite entertaining and very easy to watch. Oh and John Cena is the cheesiest actor I have ever watched trying to be serious in a movie. He was so cheesy that he almost made the movie a B movie.

As always the humans gets convinced by some Decepticons to assist them in hunting down Bumblebee. Why we do this as humans and trust advanced aliens I will never know.

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B doing his thing

All in all I give this movie a solid 4.3/5. A decent watch and a breath of fresh air. Definitely not a straight to DVD movie.

 

Bird Box *SPOILER ALERT*

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Director: Susanne Bier

Writers:  Eric Heisserer (Screenplay), Josh Malerman (novel)

Stars:  Sandra BullockTrevante RhodesJohn Malkovich

Running Time: 2hrs 4min

I am a big fan of Sandy B. She actually is one of my favourite actresses. All the way from the days when I first watched Speed and Miss Congeniality. I won’t talk about that silly movie she did called Gravity. That was a shocker.

Anyway, the movie follows a pregnant Sandy B who is close to giving birth during a time when there is some supernatural stuff going on around the world that is causing people to kill themselves. She winds up in a house with a few other people who eventually figure out that if you look at what’s happening outside you will wanna kill yourself. So they cover up the windows and lock the doors and hide inside someone’s house.

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When people are scared all decency goes out the window. A pregnant Sandy B on the floor is just Sandy B on the floor

As with all horror/survival type movies they eventually make their way out in a rather ridiculous fashion to go and look for food and this results in someone dying. As always the house is made up of people of different characters. John Malkovich is the one person that no one wants to listen to because he is a bit of a dick. However, if they had listened to him more of them could have survived. But that is a story for another day.

The scares in the movie are few and far between. I felt that the movie was more of a thriller than a horror. Interestingly, most horror movies are scary because you see the threat or frightening thing a few times in the movie so you are always in suspense. In this movie, you do not see the horror at all… apart from the suicides.

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Sandy B spent a lot of the movie wandering around blindfolded…. Now the internets are trying it

General the pace of the movie is very good, the characters do not leave much to be desired and most of the conversations/interactions between the characters is good. I didn’t feel any pain following them from scene to scene.

The movie doesn’t explain what went down that caused all of this. Some people on the internets feel that the ending was vague. I think a good movie also leaves you to draw your own conclusions. Sometimes being told what caused everything takes some of the mystery away and I am glad that they did that.

I enjoyed the movie and I am sure that it will last another six months in my movie collection before I delete it.

Not a must watch movie, but worth the 2hrs

Tongs-o-meter rating: 6.5/10

P.S. Please can we stop this Bird Box Challenges. It’s stupid and you will hurt yourself walking around blindfolded. Please. Just stop it.

 

Wonder Woman (2017) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Enter the Amazonian

Director:  Patty Jenkins

Stars: Gal GadotChris PineRobin Wright

Run Time: 2 hrs and 21 minutes

I love me a comic-book. I really do. For a long time, Hollywood has completely messed up some comics for me. They destroyed X-Men for me with their rendition when they decided to spew it onto the big screen. I mean there are some people who loved it, but I couldn’t get my head around why they would blatantly murder Charles Xavier and Cyclops (I didn’t mind Cyclops’ death because he’s a douche) when they are central figures in the whole bloody story. But that is for another day. Today, it’s about the Amazonian Wonder Woman.

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From left: Random Amazonian, Wonder Woman (Daughter of Zeus), Hippolyta (Mother of Wonder Woman, concubine of Zeus), and other random Amazonian

So, our friends from Hollywood decided to throw this movie at us. I must say I enjoyed the movie. It follows another one of Zeus’ offspring Diana aka Wonder Woman (Zeus seems to have children EVERYWHERE) who grew up on an enchanted island that is inhabited entirely by a race of warrior women. Unfortunately, Captain James T. Kirk finds his way to the island while running away from a horde of Nazi’s who are after his head.

 

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From left: Some guy, Captain James T. Kirk, Wonder Woman, some other guy, and a sniper who has lost his marbles.

 

Captain Kirk seems to have lost his ship, the Enterprise (again) and has found himself on an Earth that he has never seen. He eventually convinces Diana to help him stop the Nazi’s from completing their evil plan to kill a whole bunch of people, after being lassoed by the lasso of truth.

So after having grown up on an island of women, Diana finally leaves her home, possibly to never return and embarks on a quest to kill the God of War. Apparently, she was brainwashed… I mean raised to believe that the God of War is the reason why puny humans are always trying to kill each other. Not because we are all germs, but because of the God of War.

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Ares, God of War

Anyway, Diana then spends the next hour and something trying to fit into the normal world, walking around the streets of London holding a sword and a shield, melting at the sight of a baby and having a mini orgasm eating ice cream.

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The bullet repelling bangle-thingys… also ZeGerman’s can’t shoot

The movie has a pretty predictable ending to it. Captain James T. Kirk sacrifices the Enterprise… I mean his life to save a bunch of people. He dies… Before he does, he tells Diana that he loves her. Diana kills her uncle Ares and does not become the new God of War (which is a shame because I think she would have been a kick-ass God of War). The Germans also lose the war which is the only way that history can be written.

 

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Ready to deflect bullets

 

Happy ending, but also sad because Captain James T. Kirk goes down with the ship and Diana is left all by herself to survive in this world surround by puny humans (Until she meets the rest of the Justice League).

Overall Verdict

The movie was generally enjoyable, with a few funny moments that kept the movie entertaining. The action seems at times to have been put together with a degree of difficulty. It seemed as though the guys who did the storyboard for the action scenes didn’t have their daily drug fix beforehand. The rest of the story is told reasonably well. The background issues are handled decently

We got to see the lasso of truth which was also cool.

4 Lasso’s of truth out of 5. 

 

Shark Killer *SPOILER ALERT* (THOUGH NOT NECESSARY)

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Cast:  Derek ThelerErica CerraPaul du Toit, Arnold Vosloo

Run Time: 1 sharkatastic hour and 28 dangerous minutes

So it’s that time again to review another B Movie. This movie is not so much of a B movie. In fact, this was a B+ movie. Firstly it has a pretty well know actor. He isn’t the main actor in the movie, but he has starred in movies such as The MummyThe Mummy Returns and Blood Diamond to name a few. He also featured in 24 (TV Series) as a lunatic terrorist hell bent on killing Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer kills him.

 

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The most famous actor in the movie

Anyway, the movie’s protagonist is a legendary shark hunter and killer who is afraid of water. Well not afraid, but he tries to choose not to swim very often. He is the only person who respects the dangers of playing with a large fish with dangerous teeth. Regardless, he is still employed by his brother and the antagonist at the same time and sent on a ludacris mission to kill a shark that ate a diamond. Just let that sink in for a few seconds while I compose myself.

 

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The main dude

 

I must admit I fell asleep before the end of the movie. That may have been due to the fact that I had to drink before and while watching the movie. I am not sure how the movie ends, but I am sure it has a happy ending that involved the protagonist and his girlfriend.

 

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Main dude’s chick

 

However, for a B movie, I was impressed by the fact they chose an exotic location. They didn’t find a random beach resort and claim to be in Hawaii or something like that. They came and filmed in South Africa. I was pleasantly surprised by that. In fact, they even went on to employ some South African actors. They weren’t lazy and employed an American or British actor and asked him to deliver a really bad South African accent (See Blood Diamond).

All in all, I give this B movie a solid 4 shark killers out of 5. They definitely tried and spent like real money to make the movie, they got one semi famous actor, they had some genuinely good locations that they filmed from, the writers tried and managed to make it both watchable and funny, and the movie was predictable. Just the way that B movies ever only manage to be.

 

 

Pound of Flesh (2015) *SPOILER ALERT*

 

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He doesn’t look as young as he does in the poster

 

Cast: A very old Jeane-Claude Van Damme, other people not worth mentioning but there to make up numbers

Runtime: 1hr 44 predictable minutes

So I got this movie from one of my work colleagues like a bazillion months ago and it sat on my computer unwatched. I should have taken that as a hint as to not watching it. Anyway, there is a very old looking Van Damme running around Thailand trying to find his kidney. In perfect scare tactics manner, Van Damme goes to Thailand, and on his first night there he wakes up in a bathtub of ice and water.

 

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Of course he was gonna do the splits…

 

 

So he goes about a stupid journey, hunting down the people who took his kidney. His brother pops up and it turns out the reason why Van Damme is going to hard is that he was supposed to give his kidney to his daughter who’s mother is his brother’s dead wife. Yes, Van Damme slept with his brother’s wife (when they had separated, but apparently he had a thing for her since his brother got married. Nice right?).

 

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The girl who stole all the hearts… and a kidney

 

Anyway, after some half decent fight scene, C grade quality graphics the movie painstakingly comes to an end. Van Damme gives donates his other kidney (without any prior paperwork saying that he consented) in order to save his daughter who is being raised by his brother. Oh and for the kicker: the woman who seduced and drugged Van Damme prior to the illegal surgery done on him, is forgiven by Van Damme and then hooks up with his brother after Van Damme’s death. She is also a spitting image of Van Damme’s brother’s wife. Very confusing

Overall I give this move 1 half decent car chase scene out of 5. Delete after downloading, do not download or waste the space on your computer, hard drive, memory stick, phone, or SD card.