Bumblebee (2018) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Run time: 1 Swift hour and 54 painless minutes

Directed by: Travis Knight

Writers:  Christina HodsonChristina Hodson

Starring:  Hailee SteinfeldJorge Lendeborg Jr.John Cena

After a rather disappointing end of the previous Transformers movies (in my opinion), I was very sceptical about the Bumblebee movies. So sceptical in fact, that I only watched the movie last week. I waited until all the fanfare had died down, got myself a copy of the movie and sat down with my wife to watch it.

Now I have always been a big fan of the Transformers franchise, though I am also quite critical of it. The first two or so movies I felt had things in order. After that, the movies started to feel a whole lot repetitive. The action in the movies was top notch because Michael Bay was directing them. Of course in this movie Bay takes a producer role.

 

I really enjoyed Bumblebee. It was the first Transformers movie that had more emotion than explosions. The lead does a pretty good job and as always Bumblebee is very entertaining even though he hardly says much as with all the other Transformers movies.

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Boy of the left keeps trying to fill his feeling station with girl on the right

A good job to replace Witwickey’s parents. The leads parents brought a fresh bit of humour to the movie and funnily explored the difficulty of a step parent.

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The obligatory destruction of a house by an alien robot

Though the action sequences were few in the movie, it was still quite entertaining and very easy to watch. Oh and John Cena is the cheesiest actor I have ever watched trying to be serious in a movie. He was so cheesy that he almost made the movie a B movie.

As always the humans gets convinced by some Decepticons to assist them in hunting down Bumblebee. Why we do this as humans and trust advanced aliens I will never know.

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B doing his thing

All in all I give this movie a solid 4.3/5. A decent watch and a breath of fresh air. Definitely not a straight to DVD movie.

 

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Bird Box *SPOILER ALERT*

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Director: Susanne Bier

Writers:  Eric Heisserer (Screenplay), Josh Malerman (novel)

Stars:  Sandra BullockTrevante RhodesJohn Malkovich

Running Time: 2hrs 4min

I am a big fan of Sandy B. She actually is one of my favourite actresses. All the way from the days when I first watched Speed and Miss Congeniality. I won’t talk about that silly movie she did called Gravity. That was a shocker.

Anyway, the movie follows a pregnant Sandy B who is close to giving birth during a time when there is some supernatural stuff going on around the world that is causing people to kill themselves. She winds up in a house with a few other people who eventually figure out that if you look at what’s happening outside you will wanna kill yourself. So they cover up the windows and lock the doors and hide inside someone’s house.

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When people are scared all decency goes out the window. A pregnant Sandy B on the floor is just Sandy B on the floor

As with all horror/survival type movies they eventually make their way out in a rather ridiculous fashion to go and look for food and this results in someone dying. As always the house is made up of people of different characters. John Malkovich is the one person that no one wants to listen to because he is a bit of a dick. However, if they had listened to him more of them could have survived. But that is a story for another day.

The scares in the movie are few and far between. I felt that the movie was more of a thriller than a horror. Interestingly, most horror movies are scary because you see the threat or frightening thing a few times in the movie so you are always in suspense. In this movie, you do not see the horror at all… apart from the suicides.

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Sandy B spent a lot of the movie wandering around blindfolded…. Now the internets are trying it

General the pace of the movie is very good, the characters do not leave much to be desired and most of the conversations/interactions between the characters is good. I didn’t feel any pain following them from scene to scene.

The movie doesn’t explain what went down that caused all of this. Some people on the internets feel that the ending was vague. I think a good movie also leaves you to draw your own conclusions. Sometimes being told what caused everything takes some of the mystery away and I am glad that they did that.

I enjoyed the movie and I am sure that it will last another six months in my movie collection before I delete it.

Not a must watch movie, but worth the 2hrs

Tongs-o-meter rating: 6.5/10

P.S. Please can we stop this Bird Box Challenges. It’s stupid and you will hurt yourself walking around blindfolded. Please. Just stop it.

 

Wonder Woman (2017) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Enter the Amazonian

Director:  Patty Jenkins

Stars: Gal GadotChris PineRobin Wright

Run Time: 2 hrs and 21 minutes

I love me a comic-book. I really do. For a long time, Hollywood has completely messed up some comics for me. They destroyed X-Men for me with their rendition when they decided to spew it onto the big screen. I mean there are some people who loved it, but I couldn’t get my head around why they would blatantly murder Charles Xavier and Cyclops (I didn’t mind Cyclops’ death because he’s a douche) when they are central figures in the whole bloody story. But that is for another day. Today, it’s about the Amazonian Wonder Woman.

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From left: Random Amazonian, Wonder Woman (Daughter of Zeus), Hippolyta (Mother of Wonder Woman, concubine of Zeus), and other random Amazonian

So, our friends from Hollywood decided to throw this movie at us. I must say I enjoyed the movie. It follows another one of Zeus’ offspring Diana aka Wonder Woman (Zeus seems to have children EVERYWHERE) who grew up on an enchanted island that is inhabited entirely by a race of warrior women. Unfortunately, Captain James T. Kirk finds his way to the island while running away from a horde of Nazi’s who are after his head.

 

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From left: Some guy, Captain James T. Kirk, Wonder Woman, some other guy, and a sniper who has lost his marbles.

 

Captain Kirk seems to have lost his ship, the Enterprise (again) and has found himself on an Earth that he has never seen. He eventually convinces Diana to help him stop the Nazi’s from completing their evil plan to kill a whole bunch of people, after being lassoed by the lasso of truth.

So after having grown up on an island of women, Diana finally leaves her home, possibly to never return and embarks on a quest to kill the God of War. Apparently, she was brainwashed… I mean raised to believe that the God of War is the reason why puny humans are always trying to kill each other. Not because we are all germs, but because of the God of War.

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Ares, God of War

Anyway, Diana then spends the next hour and something trying to fit into the normal world, walking around the streets of London holding a sword and a shield, melting at the sight of a baby and having a mini orgasm eating ice cream.

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The bullet repelling bangle-thingys… also ZeGerman’s can’t shoot

The movie has a pretty predictable ending to it. Captain James T. Kirk sacrifices the Enterprise… I mean his life to save a bunch of people. He dies… Before he does, he tells Diana that he loves her. Diana kills her uncle Ares and does not become the new God of War (which is a shame because I think she would have been a kick-ass God of War). The Germans also lose the war which is the only way that history can be written.

 

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Ready to deflect bullets

 

Happy ending, but also sad because Captain James T. Kirk goes down with the ship and Diana is left all by herself to survive in this world surround by puny humans (Until she meets the rest of the Justice League).

Overall Verdict

The movie was generally enjoyable, with a few funny moments that kept the movie entertaining. The action seems at times to have been put together with a degree of difficulty. It seemed as though the guys who did the storyboard for the action scenes didn’t have their daily drug fix beforehand. The rest of the story is told reasonably well. The background issues are handled decently

We got to see the lasso of truth which was also cool.

4 Lasso’s of truth out of 5. 

 

Shark Killer *SPOILER ALERT* (THOUGH NOT NECESSARY)

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Cast:  Derek ThelerErica CerraPaul du Toit, Arnold Vosloo

Run Time: 1 sharkatastic hour and 28 dangerous minutes

So it’s that time again to review another B Movie. This movie is not so much of a B movie. In fact, this was a B+ movie. Firstly it has a pretty well know actor. He isn’t the main actor in the movie, but he has starred in movies such as The MummyThe Mummy Returns and Blood Diamond to name a few. He also featured in 24 (TV Series) as a lunatic terrorist hell bent on killing Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer kills him.

 

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The most famous actor in the movie

Anyway, the movie’s protagonist is a legendary shark hunter and killer who is afraid of water. Well not afraid, but he tries to choose not to swim very often. He is the only person who respects the dangers of playing with a large fish with dangerous teeth. Regardless, he is still employed by his brother and the antagonist at the same time and sent on a ludacris mission to kill a shark that ate a diamond. Just let that sink in for a few seconds while I compose myself.

 

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The main dude

 

I must admit I fell asleep before the end of the movie. That may have been due to the fact that I had to drink before and while watching the movie. I am not sure how the movie ends, but I am sure it has a happy ending that involved the protagonist and his girlfriend.

 

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Main dude’s chick

 

However, for a B movie, I was impressed by the fact they chose an exotic location. They didn’t find a random beach resort and claim to be in Hawaii or something like that. They came and filmed in South Africa. I was pleasantly surprised by that. In fact, they even went on to employ some South African actors. They weren’t lazy and employed an American or British actor and asked him to deliver a really bad South African accent (See Blood Diamond).

All in all, I give this B movie a solid 4 shark killers out of 5. They definitely tried and spent like real money to make the movie, they got one semi famous actor, they had some genuinely good locations that they filmed from, the writers tried and managed to make it both watchable and funny, and the movie was predictable. Just the way that B movies ever only manage to be.

 

 

Pound of Flesh (2015) *SPOILER ALERT*

 

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He doesn’t look as young as he does in the poster

 

Cast: A very old Jeane-Claude Van Damme, other people not worth mentioning but there to make up numbers

Runtime: 1hr 44 predictable minutes

So I got this movie from one of my work colleagues like a bazillion months ago and it sat on my computer unwatched. I should have taken that as a hint as to not watching it. Anyway, there is a very old looking Van Damme running around Thailand trying to find his kidney. In perfect scare tactics manner, Van Damme goes to Thailand, and on his first night there he wakes up in a bathtub of ice and water.

 

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Of course he was gonna do the splits…

 

 

So he goes about a stupid journey, hunting down the people who took his kidney. His brother pops up and it turns out the reason why Van Damme is going to hard is that he was supposed to give his kidney to his daughter who’s mother is his brother’s dead wife. Yes, Van Damme slept with his brother’s wife (when they had separated, but apparently he had a thing for her since his brother got married. Nice right?).

 

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The girl who stole all the hearts… and a kidney

 

Anyway, after some half decent fight scene, C grade quality graphics the movie painstakingly comes to an end. Van Damme gives donates his other kidney (without any prior paperwork saying that he consented) in order to save his daughter who is being raised by his brother. Oh and for the kicker: the woman who seduced and drugged Van Damme prior to the illegal surgery done on him, is forgiven by Van Damme and then hooks up with his brother after Van Damme’s death. She is also a spitting image of Van Damme’s brother’s wife. Very confusing

Overall I give this move 1 half decent car chase scene out of 5. Delete after downloading, do not download or waste the space on your computer, hard drive, memory stick, phone, or SD card.

Speed *SPOILER ALERT*

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Director: Jan de Bont (Had a hand in Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Haunting, Twister, The Hunt for Red October and Die Hard)

Writer: Graham Yost (Had a hand in Broken Arrow and Hard Rain to name a few)

Cast: Neo aka Keanu Reeves, Sandy B aka Sandra Bullock, Dennis The Bomber aka Dennis Hopper

Runtime: An easy hour and 56 minutes (Watch out for the old school five minutes of opening credits)

Release Year: 1994

I am not sure where to start with this movie so I will start in the middle. If you are looking for a mid-90s movie with good old Sandy B, Neo before he met Trinity and a crazy bomber who shouldn’t have been caught at the end of the movie, look no further than Speed. This movie (as far as I am concerned, and in my professional opinion as an armchair movie critic who doesn’t get paid for doing this) starts off with a bang. There is very little time spent only building up the character’s… character as this is done as the movie progresses.

It follows two LAPD cops, Neo and some other guy, (both who seem to work in bomb diffusion and disposal) on the hunt of a lethal bomb maker. They have to thwart his attempts at extorting the city of LA through his acts of terrorism twice. First Hopper the Bomber plants an impossible set of bombs on an elevator. However, Neo and his partner save everyone and assume that Hopper the Bomber dies. Guess what? WRONG!! In true mid-90s fashion, Hopper the Bomber is still alive.

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Dennis the Bomber with his hand on the trigger

So begins the predictable fixation that Hopper the Bomber has with Neo. Here begins the typical game of cat and mouse that Neo plays with Hopper the Bomber. As impossible as it is, Neo prevails and ensures that Hopper the Bomber loses his head… literally.

The movie also features Sandy B, who puts up a pretty entertaining performance throughout the movie. Starting off as a normal person getting onto a bus, and ending the movie as a normal person with badass tendencies, anger issues, a love at first sight complex, experience in terrorist negotiations, experience driving at high speeds, experience driving a bus and a host of facial expressions that keep the movie ticking over.

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OMG-I’m getting ready to kiss Neo Sandy B
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Happy Sandy B
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Working Sandy B
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Disgusted Sandy B

The movie has some epic scenes. None more than when they make a bus jump 50 feet. It so happens that the final trap set by Hopper the Bomber, is a speed triggered bomb. A bomb is attached to a bus and arms itself when the bus goes over a certain speed (50 miles per hour) and explodes if the bus goes below 50 miles an hour. In an attempt to stop the bus from exploding, they drive onto a disused section of highway with the hope of avoiding traffic. However, to their horror, the highway has an overpass that has a 50-foot section that is missing. Instead of diverting the bus to a safer section of the highway, they decide to jump it over.

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The Flying Bus

All in all, I give this movie 8.5 headless bad guys out of 10. It is very entertaining and has action that is far fetched but gets away with it simply because Neo and Sandy B are in it. The plot is simple enough to follow, so no matter how drunk you are prior and during the watching of the movie, you will get the gist. The twist and turns in the movie are also nicely signposted, so as to ensure that you don’t end the movie with questions.

The only question you should have is how big is the fuel tank on a bus?

The Escort (2016) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Running Time: An easy hour and 28 minutes

Cast: Lyndsy FonsecaMichael DonegerTommy Dewey

Genre: Rom-Com

Rating: 7 Russian Escorts out of 10

The escort is a rom-com (I don’t watch rom-com’s in general because they are wholly exaggerated and predictable) about an escort who gets befriended and falls in love (obviously right at the end) with a sex addict. The story follows an escort as she goes about her business sleeping with various people for money… and also tutoring maths as that’s what her passion is.

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The Escort….

The movie in itself turned out to be extremely funny staring a wholly unknown (to me) cast. A down and out sex addict who spends his time working for a newspaper writing obituaries and sleeping with the interns, gets fired from his job and is on the verge of being kicked out his apartment.

Sex addict on the left… whor…. escort on the right

A chance encounter at a hotel bar while he is waiting for one of his random hook ups puts him on a road to recovery as two individuals with similar problems join up and spend the rest of the movie enabling each other while denying the fact that they should probably be together and burn the world down together with their destructive, but fulfilling behaviour.

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When the sex addict took the… escort to meet his dad…

The movie has a lot of pretty hilarious parts, and the characters try their best to keep the movie ticking over at a nice and enjoyable pace. As I said the ending of the movie is pretty predictable. However this wasn’t a surprise as this wasn’t an Inception type movie. I would watch the movie again because it was more of a com-rom than a rom-com.