John Wick: Chapter 2 *SPOILER ALERT*

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Runtime: 2hrs 2min

Starring: Neo (From the Matrix), Morpheus (Also from the Matrix), Common (Yes the rapper dude), and a few other familiar faces from the first Movie.

If you haven’t watched the first John Wick yet I suggest you go and watch it, then watch this one as soon as you are done.

Once again the Boogeyman is on the loose, murdering crimelords and their henchmen like its an everyday thing. For John Wick, it seems like this is the reason why he came into this world. To ensure that the population of henchmen does not grow too large. In fact, he is ensuring that there is a low rate of unemployment in the henchmen industry by killing as many of them as possible.

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Always nice to get help from the person who showed you the real world…. wait. Wrong movie…

In this “episode”, John Wick is called out of retirement AGAIN (however I have to commend the director/producer/writer or whoever came up with the idea) to kill some evil guys sister. As the story progresses, it turns out that his target is someone who he actually knew quite well. So he kills her, then his employer double crosses him and dies (No surprise here).

The movie is utterly enjoyable. John Wick continues with his same vein of killing a few hundred people in his way by way of (multiple) headshots, the use of knives, fists and most notably a pencil.

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Depressed John Wick

 

John is still depressed about the death of his wife and is still not over her death. This makes watching his murderous reign all the more enjoyable. He has a new dog that has no name and at least in this movie the dog does not get unnecessarily killed.

The fight scenes in the movie see as realistic as the movie is, which isn’t a lot. That doesn’t mean that they weren’t entertaining. They were highly entertaining and probably the best I have seen this year.

The people (writers/director/producers) did a good job of making this movie start and end without feeling like they were trying to beat a dying donkey with a sledgehammer in the hope that it would come back to life. They brought in interesting and exciting ideas like other Continental Hotels, gunsmiths, tailors and an entire world surrounding the underworld that John Wick operates in.

All in all, I gave this movie a solid 8.2 headshots out of 10. The movie wasn’t too long, the story was easy to follow and kept my wife and myself enthralled from the beginning to end.

The Veil (2016) *SPOILER ALERT*

 

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The other people who also act with Jessica Alba

IMDB Movie Snippet: “Twenty-five years after members of a religious cult committed mass suicide, the lone survivor returns to the scene of the tragedy with a documentary crew in tow”

 

Starring: Jessica Alba and some other people.

Run time: 1hr 33min

So the synopsis that IMDB gives leaves you wondering what else the movie could be about. I am happy to say that on more than one occasion I let out a frightened yelp, I had sweaty palms and felt as though my blood ran cold while watching the movie. I also watched the movie in bed with headphones on, so that may have enhanced how frightening the movie ACTUALLY was. It had many of the prerequisites for a horror movie. Not for a good horror movie, but just for a horror movie. It had the eerie location, it had the mystery as to what was terrorizing people and it even had a good back story as to where the terrorists came from.

 

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The other OTHER people in the movie

 

In fact, the background of the story is supposed based on a true story about a cultist group of people who committed mass suicide on some ranch in America-Land (The Jonestown Massacre). This gave it a bit of realism to the story. Not like a Blair Witch Project kind of realism, but it’s own unique storyline that was pretty much believable.

Anyway everyone dies at the end of the movie which makes me feel a little better about the movie. There were some pretty average performances by the rest of the supporting cast. Jessica Alba’s performance borders on frighteningly annoying. Throughout the movie she continually makes bad decision, refusing all signs to leave her investigations alone and shows a complete lack of leadership. In fact it is her fault she got all her friends and some of her family killed. She is actually a really bad friend throughout the movie.

It is one of the first horror movies that I have watched in a VERY long time where they stick together for most of the movie without splitting up. For once they are all somewhat afraid/skeptical about splitting up. Eventually though, the poor planning brings an ultimate and somewhat unsatisfactory demise to all of the people who feature in the movie.

All in all the movie had the chance to be a pretty good movie. The length was adequate for the quality of the horror they tried to expressed and this makes it an easy to watch horror movie. Horror movies should not be “easy to watch”. In fact, this movie has the potential to be a very entertaining comedy as the poor decisions made by Jessica and her motley crew leave a great deal to be desired.

All in all if you want to watch a bunch of people going where they SHOULD NOT be going, making bad decision, ultimately meeting their demise in barely scarey kind of way, and also have an hour and thirty minutes of time to waste, then find another movie to watch. This one is not worth it. It’s not even worth watching it a second time, because I think the disappointment would be even worse.

 

Eliminators (2016) *SPOILERS WON’T SPOIL THIS MOVIE*

 

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If I had seen the poster before I watched the movie, I wouldn’t have bothered. Also, the movie was produced by WWE…. 

So after 94 minutes of straining to follow this movie, I managed to conclude that I could have better spent the 94 minutes doing something else…. like sleeping.

I have to admit that the movie started off with a bit of a bang. It seems a little bit interesting. It follows an American living in London with his daughter. He works as a security guard during the day and moonlights as a single father at night. However, his world is turned upside down when three individuals break into his house and try and rob him of drugs (shock horror cocaine), only for them to realize that they have got the wrong address. After they threaten to kills his daughter (after they beat him into unconsciousness with baseball bats and he wakes up), he decides to go bad ass and kill all three of the robbers.

If the movie was to end at this point, it would have been a brilliant start and end to a movie. There would have been enough mystery around who this main actor dude was, why his wife was dead, and it also showed that he was a bad ass and loved his daughter so much that he was willing to murder some dudes in self-defense.

Unfortunately, the guys who wrote this movie decided to carry on with the movie. They then made up some feeble story about him being some agent for some unnamed secret agency in ‘Murica, how his wife was killed because of the job, and how much he loved his daughter (even though he kills her grandfather at the end of the movie).

What then ensues in between the rather bland story telling, is a lot of chase scenes (It seems like they ran across most of London), semi-exciting fight scenes that had a lot of slow motion wrestling moves and more drop kicks than one would see in The Royal Rumble 2017.

I would strongly suggest that if you have nothing to watch, don’t watch this movie. Take your chances with watching paint dry. That would be more engaging than watching these guys running around and getting paid to act as though they are distressed.

The movie was so distressing that I am struggling to find many more words to describe the feeling that I went through, lying in bed and concentrating on the occurance of the actors in this movie. It didn’t even have a happy ending when it could have had one. They actually killed the only possibility of giving it a happy ending. They also ensured that there would be no room for a sequel (Thank God!) but tying up all the loose ends.. all one of them.

Watch at your displeasure!

 

 

Cabin in The Woods (2012) **SPOILERS… I THINK**

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Runtime: Short and Sweet (a touch over an hour and a half)

Actors: Thor (Also knows as Chris Hemsworth, but a younger version who hasn’t started figured out that he is not of this planet), Some chick who’s real name is Kristen Connolly (Seems to have acted in a bunch of stuff… like a few like…. stuff. Well she acted in a movie called Cabin in The Woods), and Fran Kranz who seems to always act like he is crazy in almost all the roles I have seen him play.

Firstly, I just realised that this movie was written by the same guy who wrote Cloverfield, which I love love love!!!!!!!!

So basically there is some old god who lives below the earth, and he needs to get a sacrifice of five people. They each have various character traits which mean that if they get sacrificed they will appease this old god person living underground and he won’t come out and kill everyone in anger that the sacrifice made to him was not good enough.

So there is some organisation that has set up a cabin in the woods. Every year people go to the cabin and they get pushed to unleashing hell on themselves. The cabin is also very secluded and in some strange place that is kind of inaccessible.

 

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This is the merman….

 

Anyway, the movie is kinda entertaining. The fact that most of the people in the movie get stabbed by machetes and bitten by werewolves and various other rather painful near death experiences, but keep on going shows the resolve that the human race has.

 

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Teeth face

 

Some of the monsters are kinda scary, there is some decent dialogue and they made sure to add some comedic humour to ensure that those of a nervous disposition didn’t have an involuntary bowel movement when they saw the various horrors that were boxed up and ready to be unleashed.

 

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Bat… thingy

 

The premise behind it made it a watchable movie and the director did very well to ensure that the movie didn’t drag on… and on… and on. The plot twists were kind of predictable but not overtly obvious. The movie didn’t keep me on the edge of my seat and it may survive a bit longer on my hard drive before I delete it simply because I can.

 

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The leftovers of a feeding frenzy after hell was unleashed

 

Movie is best watched at night, alone and in the dark. For the first time I have not put any spoilers other than to say that human beings can also be very fucked up. That is quiet obvious I hope to all considering the state of the world (but that is for another time… probably never).

 

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This guy….

 

All in all I give this movie 1/2 a sweaty ball out of 2 sweaty balls.

 

 

Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf

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It was with great joy that I managed to watch the third part of this really epic B movie. As I sat down with my wife and my gin and tonic I was excited as I had no idea how Whalewolf came into existence. This is probably the best Sharktopus I have watched. It was short and to the point and they had some awful dialogue during the movie (which was completely normal). However, it was bloody hilarious. They had the excellent Sega Megadrive CGI going down, the random kills and most of all the beach life soundtrack.

I don’t even want to bother trying to explain what was going down, apart from the fact that it was bloody brilliant. There were a few times that Sharktopus was slapped around, but he won in the end. Whalewolf proves to be a worthy adversary, and if you had watch the previous Sharktopus, you would have had a tear in your eye at the end of the movie.

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Sega Mega Drive Graphics of Whalewolf Feeding

If you are looking for a movie that you may forget after watching, but won’t regret, will have you laughing pretty much throughout the movie no matter how drunk or wasted you are, then this is the movie for you. It has an epic fight of proportions only imaginable in a B movie, an amazing cast that could only have been brought together in a B movie, and a storyline so loose no concentration is required… AT ALL.

All in all I gave this movie a 9/10 (B Movie rating). Even my wife liked it! I would totally watch the movie again, and would suggest that those of you who are open to watching other kinds of movie, put this on their must watch list.

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