THE VELOCIPASTOR (2018) *SPOILER ALERT* **RAGING DUMPSTER FIRE ALERT**

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Director: Brendan Steere

Writer: Brendan Steere

Stars: Alyssa KempinskiGreg CohanAurelio Voltaire

Run Time: 1 prehistoric hour and 15 minutes

So wow.  I mean I was sold just by the name. I didn’t watch the trailer before and actually watched the movie twice. The first time I was too drunk and start watching the movie a bit late. In the end, we both fell asleep. However, my wife and I persevered and we managed to complete the herculean task of finishing this movie.

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This was a scene from the movie after the Pastor transformed….. 

This movie reminds me of why I actually like B Movies. The plot made very little sense, the acting was questionable at best, apart from the priest’s girlfriend (yes the human who turns into a dinosaur had a girlfriend), there seemed to be no greenscreen used throughout the movie. But this Brendan Steere dude was not to be stopped. This movie was still stitched with an interesting set of visuals that sometimes seemed like they were meant for someone on acid, and a soundtrack that was dormant for half the movie, and only came alive towards the end of the flick to some enjoyment. 

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The Pastor and his girlfriend… in China…

There were times when the movie tried too hard to be funny and failed dismally. When the movie continued with the flow of not trying to be funny, it turned out to be a reasonably well-written movie. I do think that Brendan Steele had the budget of a small piggy bank stolen from an 8-year-old. Some of the things I saw convinced me that the movie was actually shot and produced at least 5 years ago. I was shocked to realize that this was a 2018 movie.

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Poor ninja lost his arm… 

This movie is for the seasoned B Movie watcher. It came very close to being a waste of time, however, it ended up being mildly entertaining. Overall I give this movie 4.5 dino eggs outta 10. The movie was saved by the wonderful performance of the pastor’s girlfriend (as I mentioned earlier) and the rather entertaining score in the second part of the movie. A movie to watch after having had some strong liquor and if you have an hour to kill on a little bit of mindless fun.

 

The Meg (2018) *SPOILER ALERT*

A unprofessional layman critical analysis

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Director: Jon Turteltaub

Stars: Jason StathamBingbing LiRainn Wilson

Runtime: A painless 1hr 53min

Well, here we go with another B Movie with A list stars. This movie happened to be on TV on Sunday and I decided to watch it. I had watched the trailer some time ago, and when I saw that it was to do with a shark, I immediately realized that this was my kind of movie.

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So the basic premise is that there is some unexplored part of the sea that some scientists have been exploring. Its really deep and dark so who knows what’s in there. After they go in there looking for things they shouldn’t be looking for, they undoubtedly unleash a prehistoric shark.

In the course of releasing this beast, they call on Jason, who is a bit of a drunk (though he doesn’t do a good job of being a drunk. I have seen better performances at my local pub and the guys who drink there do not get paid to act like a drunk and the only experience they have is from spending time in the pub… being a drunk). Jason comes along and goes from drunkard to hero in two scenes flat.

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As with B Movies that involve large aquatic predators (Sharktopus, Sharknado, Anaconda), there are running montages, swimming montages, beach montages, and obviously boat montages. Also as with ALL B Movies, there is a crazy scientist, who doesn’t start off acting like he is crazy until he starts talking about tracking the animal and weaponizing it somehow. I mean who in his right mind would think, “Ooooo prehistoric giant shark. Let’s try to control it!”. Well, crazy scientists in most movies think that!

The movie becomes a little boring somewhere in the middle. I spaced out and started playing candy crush because the scientists and the muscle were having arguments about HOW TO CAPTURE this animal vs how to kill it. In the end, the crazy scientist becomes a shark snack, Jason murders the shark after impaling it in the eye with a sharp object and somehow getting to its brain, and The Meg is eaten by smaller sharks who want to ensure that there isn’t a bigger predator than them.

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I gave this movie a 2.5/5. The A List actors helped make the movie palatable. The dialogue felt strained at most, and if the movie was to get an award, I would suggest that it goes to the little girl who spent the movies trying to hook her mother up with Jason.

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US (2018) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Director:  Jordan Peele

Writer:  Jordan Peele

 

Well wasn’t this just a dandy movie! I watched the trailer and I thought that it would be an interesting psychological thriller. The trailer itself does not provide you with a great deal of information. Without going into too many details, the story follows a family as they go on holiday where the mother of the family grew up. Turns out that she had a secret that she was hiding from when she was a little girl.

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After being handcuffed and stabbed a few times….

Anyway, what ensues are a couple of jump scares here and there, with some slick dialogue and some pretty good jokes. Not a lot was done on the development of the characters, and that may have been down to the run time of the movie. I also guess that as movie goers, the longer the movie the harder it is to concentrate. Having said that I may have answered my own question. Maybe the movie wasn’t long because the writers and directors didn’t have a budget that allowed or they didn’t have the content to fill in the gaps.

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Lupita does a good job of acting like a caring mother… not too sure about a caring wife but that’s up for interpretation

The movie is essentially a slasher/survival/comedy movie with a nice little cliffhanger at the end of the movie. The kills that happen in the movie are a little bit drawn out at times and as the movie progresses the ending seems predictable but not what you actually think. The main character’s past is also told quite well and it is not dragged out.

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Lupita’s husband in the movie does a good job at being mostly a cool dad… with weird plans like staying put when it’s a time to make a move and escape

The scenery (or whatever it’s called in movies… cinematography?) is quite suitable for the movie and it is clear to me that they wanted to focus more on the story and some of the killings than trying to hoodwink the watchers with a steaming pile of dog vomit. The score for the movie was also excellent. The creepy music came in at all the right times and managed to maintain a sense of dread where necessary.

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I hope in the next movie there is a section that covers counseling for the children because they went through some horrific shit

I hope that there a sequel to the movie. There could be a whole world that they could create from this movie and it could be very interesting. I hope they don’t hear me saying this, as overexcitement usually leads to sequels underdelivering.

All in all, I give this movie 3 sheering scissors out of 5. I would have given it more if the movie was a touch scarier. You could easily watch this movie at home… alone… at night and some die-hard horror fans would be fine.

Film Title: Us
The managed to pull off the crazy look very well… we want more!

 

6 Headed Shark Attack *SPOILERS ALERT*

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With a poster like this, how can you NOT watch the movie!

Runtime:1 unpainful hour and 26 hilarious minutes

Director: Mark Atkins (Known for a bunch of what looks like B-Movies with titles such as Knight of the Zombies [Which I will find and watch], Jurassic School and Android Cop)

Actors: Brandon Auret

Thandi Sebe

Cord Newman

Naima Sebe

Tapiwa Musvosvi

I have never heard of any of these actors and never seen them on a TV movie before. However, this enhanced the B-Movie experience in my opinion.

So the movie follows a few couples who have gone on a retreat for people who are struggling with their relationships. Shot on an island (I can promise you that there are VERY few B-movies that do not have water or a beach involved), the couples are trying to save their relationships that seem to be failing for various reasons.

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Couples retreat… disaster waiting to happen

The quality of the camera used in this particular B-movie is unlike any I have seen in a while. Usually, when watching a B-movie, I am expecting to pick up my phone in the first 5 minutes. This movie deserves a special mention as they managed to get my attention in the first 20 minutes of the movie. I was generally intrigued by the effort put in the movie. Of course, once they passed the 20-minute mark, things started to fall into place. The true beast that was the B-ness came out in full force.

In between the shark attacks, there were a lot of nonsensical things that were done. They continually felt it was safer on the seas than on land from the shark (before the shark decided to take a walk on the beach. Yes that actually happened and it was amazing), they argued with the owner of the island about where was safe and that resulted in some characters who eventually became annoying in dying.

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The shark’s head was partially decapitated… it finished the job, then had the nerve to throw it’s head at someone as a sort of fuck you… so rude

There were also a lot of scenes that had my wife and myself looking at each other and asking “what’s going on?”. Now, this wasn’t a case that the sound was bad or we weren’t listening. We were generally confused because the behavior of the victims of the shark attack was difficult to understand.

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Tapiwa Musvosvi – who my wife and I think is Zimbabwean…

The movie had one or two times when the attack of the shark caught myself and my wife off guard. I am not saying we were scared. It was simply a surprise of the effort that was initially put into the start of the movie with the shark. Of course, after they had used the Atari CGI at the start to entice us, they reverted back to the pre-Atari CGI which was to be expected.

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CGI that would make you spit out your coffee if you aren’t careful

Overall I think it was an enjoyable movie. Straight to TV film and download, watch and delete for this one. The quality of the shooting was quite impressive. Usually, B-movies put me off with their green screen location shooting. This movie actually did a lot of scene in South Africa and from looking at the full cast list there seem to be a few South African actors who also got to feature in the movie which is a good thing.

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This is the look of shock that we see from our cast everytime the shark “appears”. Also the female actor spent most of the movie in that bikini bra thing

I give this move an overall 2.4 shark heads out of 6 (4.5/10). It was the perfect length for a B-movie, had some humor thrown in at the correct inappropriate times, the speed of the character development was to be expected, there were certain things that were left unexplained (which is to be expected, but it wasn’t enough to make the film feel like watching a movie trailer on mute) and there were dialogue scenes that made no sense. However, the effort put into the movie has to be commended. They had a plan and they stuck to that plan… as insane as it was.

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More CGI to be proud of. Also this is how a 6 headed shark walks on land

Watch it if you like sharks, watching a shark on land, watching a shark’s decapitated head growing back, a group of people failing to work together to survive, a weather system on this island that dries clothing faster than you can go from one scene to another, CGI that would make you cringe  and watching people being stupid around water and wild animals!

 

 

REPLICAS (2018) *SPOILERS ALERT*

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Ignore the line about some humans being unstoppable

Due to my strong views about this movie, this review is going to be a little different from the other ones. Frankly, I was surprised by the movie and this is reason I won’t be talking much about the Director (because he did a pretty shoddy/shitty job along with his friend Mr. Writer of this bag of poo).

 

The movie stars Neo aka Keanu Reeves as a crazy scientist trying to transfer the human consciousness from an organic brain into a mechanical brain. So if someone dies, these guys will download your brain from your lifeless body and then upload it into a machine. It is set in a future that is not so distant but seems as though. They have the technology to map a person’s brain and attempt to shift it into a robot that they have created, but they are still driving around in a Chevy Cruize.

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Neo driving his uncloned wife and kids

The other people in the movie do not matter because the movie was a mess.

Anyway, Neo is having a hard time at work. He is failing to shift an organic consciousness into a mechanical brain. I think that the reason why it wasn’t working was simply because that kind of thing that shouldn’t be done.

Anyway his boss is on his case and if Neo fails to do this transfer, then the lab is going to be closed down. Typical lazy writing IMO. So as expected, a tragedy befalls Neo. He has an accident while driving his family to spend the weekend on a boat and they all die. He survives.

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His cloned wife. Can you see the difference? Of course not. She was cloned in 17days flat!

All of a sudden, the crazy scientist decides to do some crazy ass shit. I mean, he really did the most. He broke a whole bunch of laws AND cloned his family to bring them back. Yes, cloned them in 17 days… but he drives to work in a Chevy Cruize….. Makes perfect sense.

Anyway, it turns out that the “company” that he was working for were not really nice people who were trying to find a way to extend human lifespan. No no no. They were a typical evil organization who wanted to put soldiers into robots so that they would have a bunch of fearless fighting dudes. Neo eventually finds out about this towards the end of the movie.

He foils them, escapes to live happily ever after with his family on a beach.

So that’s the synopsis of the movie. I was actually a little upset with this movie because there was a whole lot more than I think they could have done. They ventured into the issue of human cloning and sped past it faster than Usain Bolt in his prime. There was a lack of connection made between Neo and me. There were plenty of times that I called him a douche while watching the movie. In fact, Neo’s best friend, who ends up dying in the movie after helping him clone his family, states “We are both going to hell for this”, and yet he dies but Neo continues to flourish.

They could have turned his family evil. After all the swapping consciousnesses and being cloned, they could have come back with more of an attitude, a disease, a bit of insanity. Anything. Hell, they could have turned this movie into a zombie movie and it would have been better than the 1hr 47min of my life that I am never gonna get back.

Now I appreciate there may be some people who watched this movie who liked it and are pretty upset that I am saying. That’s allowed. We all have opinions and you know what they say about those.

In conclusion, the budget for this movie was USD$30,000,000.00. The movie opened to some 3,000+ cinemas around the world and made a grand total of USD$2,500,000.00 in box office takings, the worst that Neo has ever done in a movie that he has acted in.

If the movie was a little bit longer, spent a bit more time on character development (his family come in at the beginning of the movie, die 15 minutes later, spend half the movie being cloned and then come back for the last 30 minutes), and actually did more with the story I think that this movie could have been a good one. Instead, it will forever be that movie that skipped the straight to DVD and went from cinema to bargain bucket.

 

Bird Box *SPOILER ALERT*

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Director: Susanne Bier

Writers:  Eric Heisserer (Screenplay), Josh Malerman (novel)

Stars:  Sandra BullockTrevante RhodesJohn Malkovich

Running Time: 2hrs 4min

I am a big fan of Sandy B. She actually is one of my favourite actresses. All the way from the days when I first watched Speed and Miss Congeniality. I won’t talk about that silly movie she did called Gravity. That was a shocker.

Anyway, the movie follows a pregnant Sandy B who is close to giving birth during a time when there is some supernatural stuff going on around the world that is causing people to kill themselves. She winds up in a house with a few other people who eventually figure out that if you look at what’s happening outside you will wanna kill yourself. So they cover up the windows and lock the doors and hide inside someone’s house.

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When people are scared all decency goes out the window. A pregnant Sandy B on the floor is just Sandy B on the floor

As with all horror/survival type movies they eventually make their way out in a rather ridiculous fashion to go and look for food and this results in someone dying. As always the house is made up of people of different characters. John Malkovich is the one person that no one wants to listen to because he is a bit of a dick. However, if they had listened to him more of them could have survived. But that is a story for another day.

The scares in the movie are few and far between. I felt that the movie was more of a thriller than a horror. Interestingly, most horror movies are scary because you see the threat or frightening thing a few times in the movie so you are always in suspense. In this movie, you do not see the horror at all… apart from the suicides.

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Sandy B spent a lot of the movie wandering around blindfolded…. Now the internets are trying it

General the pace of the movie is very good, the characters do not leave much to be desired and most of the conversations/interactions between the characters is good. I didn’t feel any pain following them from scene to scene.

The movie doesn’t explain what went down that caused all of this. Some people on the internets feel that the ending was vague. I think a good movie also leaves you to draw your own conclusions. Sometimes being told what caused everything takes some of the mystery away and I am glad that they did that.

I enjoyed the movie and I am sure that it will last another six months in my movie collection before I delete it.

Not a must watch movie, but worth the 2hrs

Tongs-o-meter rating: 6.5/10

P.S. Please can we stop this Bird Box Challenges. It’s stupid and you will hurt yourself walking around blindfolded. Please. Just stop it.

 

Wonder Woman (2017) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Enter the Amazonian

Director:  Patty Jenkins

Stars: Gal GadotChris PineRobin Wright

Run Time: 2 hrs and 21 minutes

I love me a comic-book. I really do. For a long time, Hollywood has completely messed up some comics for me. They destroyed X-Men for me with their rendition when they decided to spew it onto the big screen. I mean there are some people who loved it, but I couldn’t get my head around why they would blatantly murder Charles Xavier and Cyclops (I didn’t mind Cyclops’ death because he’s a douche) when they are central figures in the whole bloody story. But that is for another day. Today, it’s about the Amazonian Wonder Woman.

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From left: Random Amazonian, Wonder Woman (Daughter of Zeus), Hippolyta (Mother of Wonder Woman, concubine of Zeus), and other random Amazonian

So, our friends from Hollywood decided to throw this movie at us. I must say I enjoyed the movie. It follows another one of Zeus’ offspring Diana aka Wonder Woman (Zeus seems to have children EVERYWHERE) who grew up on an enchanted island that is inhabited entirely by a race of warrior women. Unfortunately, Captain James T. Kirk finds his way to the island while running away from a horde of Nazi’s who are after his head.

 

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From left: Some guy, Captain James T. Kirk, Wonder Woman, some other guy, and a sniper who has lost his marbles.

 

Captain Kirk seems to have lost his ship, the Enterprise (again) and has found himself on an Earth that he has never seen. He eventually convinces Diana to help him stop the Nazi’s from completing their evil plan to kill a whole bunch of people, after being lassoed by the lasso of truth.

So after having grown up on an island of women, Diana finally leaves her home, possibly to never return and embarks on a quest to kill the God of War. Apparently, she was brainwashed… I mean raised to believe that the God of War is the reason why puny humans are always trying to kill each other. Not because we are all germs, but because of the God of War.

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Ares, God of War

Anyway, Diana then spends the next hour and something trying to fit into the normal world, walking around the streets of London holding a sword and a shield, melting at the sight of a baby and having a mini orgasm eating ice cream.

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The bullet repelling bangle-thingys… also ZeGerman’s can’t shoot

The movie has a pretty predictable ending to it. Captain James T. Kirk sacrifices the Enterprise… I mean his life to save a bunch of people. He dies… Before he does, he tells Diana that he loves her. Diana kills her uncle Ares and does not become the new God of War (which is a shame because I think she would have been a kick-ass God of War). The Germans also lose the war which is the only way that history can be written.

 

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Ready to deflect bullets

 

Happy ending, but also sad because Captain James T. Kirk goes down with the ship and Diana is left all by herself to survive in this world surround by puny humans (Until she meets the rest of the Justice League).

Overall Verdict

The movie was generally enjoyable, with a few funny moments that kept the movie entertaining. The action seems at times to have been put together with a degree of difficulty. It seemed as though the guys who did the storyboard for the action scenes didn’t have their daily drug fix beforehand. The rest of the story is told reasonably well. The background issues are handled decently

We got to see the lasso of truth which was also cool.

4 Lasso’s of truth out of 5.