Wonder Woman (2017) *SPOILER ALERT*

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Enter the Amazonian

Director:  Patty Jenkins

Stars: Gal GadotChris PineRobin Wright

Run Time: 2 hrs and 21 minutes

I love me a comic-book. I really do. For a long time, Hollywood has completely messed up some comics for me. They destroyed X-Men for me with their rendition when they decided to spew it onto the big screen. I mean there are some people who loved it, but I couldn’t get my head around why they would blatantly murder Charles Xavier and Cyclops (I didn’t mind Cyclops’ death because he’s a douche) when they are central figures in the whole bloody story. But that is for another day. Today, it’s about the Amazonian Wonder Woman.

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From left: Random Amazonian, Wonder Woman (Daughter of Zeus), Hippolyta (Mother of Wonder Woman, concubine of Zeus), and other random Amazonian

So, our friends from Hollywood decided to throw this movie at us. I must say I enjoyed the movie. It follows another one of Zeus’ offspring Diana aka Wonder Woman (Zeus seems to have children EVERYWHERE) who grew up on an enchanted island that is inhabited entirely by a race of warrior women. Unfortunately, Captain James T. Kirk finds his way to the island while running away from a horde of Nazi’s who are after his head.

 

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From left: Some guy, Captain James T. Kirk, Wonder Woman, some other guy, and a sniper who has lost his marbles.

 

Captain Kirk seems to have lost his ship, the Enterprise (again) and has found himself on an Earth that he has never seen. He eventually convinces Diana to help him stop the Nazi’s from completing their evil plan to kill a whole bunch of people, after being lassoed by the lasso of truth.

So after having grown up on an island of women, Diana finally leaves her home, possibly to never return and embarks on a quest to kill the God of War. Apparently, she was brainwashed… I mean raised to believe that the God of War is the reason why puny humans are always trying to kill each other. Not because we are all germs, but because of the God of War.

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Ares, God of War

Anyway, Diana then spends the next hour and something trying to fit into the normal world, walking around the streets of London holding a sword and a shield, melting at the sight of a baby and having a mini orgasm eating ice cream.

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The bullet repelling bangle-thingys… also ZeGerman’s can’t shoot

The movie has a pretty predictable ending to it. Captain James T. Kirk sacrifices the Enterprise… I mean his life to save a bunch of people. He dies… Before he does, he tells Diana that he loves her. Diana kills her uncle Ares and does not become the new God of War (which is a shame because I think she would have been a kick-ass God of War). The Germans also lose the war which is the only way that history can be written.

 

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Ready to deflect bullets

 

Happy ending, but also sad because Captain James T. Kirk goes down with the ship and Diana is left all by herself to survive in this world surround by puny humans (Until she meets the rest of the Justice League).

Overall Verdict

The movie was generally enjoyable, with a few funny moments that kept the movie entertaining. The action seems at times to have been put together with a degree of difficulty. It seemed as though the guys who did the storyboard for the action scenes didn’t have their daily drug fix beforehand. The rest of the story is told reasonably well. The background issues are handled decently

We got to see the lasso of truth which was also cool.

4 Lasso’s of truth out of 5. 

 

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Cabin in The Woods (2012) **SPOILERS… I THINK**

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Runtime: Short and Sweet (a touch over an hour and a half)

Actors: Thor (Also knows as Chris Hemsworth, but a younger version who hasn’t started figured out that he is not of this planet), Some chick who’s real name is Kristen Connolly (Seems to have acted in a bunch of stuff… like a few like…. stuff. Well she acted in a movie called Cabin in The Woods), and Fran Kranz who seems to always act like he is crazy in almost all the roles I have seen him play.

Firstly, I just realised that this movie was written by the same guy who wrote Cloverfield, which I love love love!!!!!!!!

So basically there is some old god who lives below the earth, and he needs to get a sacrifice of five people. They each have various character traits which mean that if they get sacrificed they will appease this old god person living underground and he won’t come out and kill everyone in anger that the sacrifice made to him was not good enough.

So there is some organisation that has set up a cabin in the woods. Every year people go to the cabin and they get pushed to unleashing hell on themselves. The cabin is also very secluded and in some strange place that is kind of inaccessible.

 

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This is the merman….

 

Anyway, the movie is kinda entertaining. The fact that most of the people in the movie get stabbed by machetes and bitten by werewolves and various other rather painful near death experiences, but keep on going shows the resolve that the human race has.

 

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Teeth face

 

Some of the monsters are kinda scary, there is some decent dialogue and they made sure to add some comedic humour to ensure that those of a nervous disposition didn’t have an involuntary bowel movement when they saw the various horrors that were boxed up and ready to be unleashed.

 

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Bat… thingy

 

The premise behind it made it a watchable movie and the director did very well to ensure that the movie didn’t drag on… and on… and on. The plot twists were kind of predictable but not overtly obvious. The movie didn’t keep me on the edge of my seat and it may survive a bit longer on my hard drive before I delete it simply because I can.

 

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The leftovers of a feeding frenzy after hell was unleashed

 

Movie is best watched at night, alone and in the dark. For the first time I have not put any spoilers other than to say that human beings can also be very fucked up. That is quiet obvious I hope to all considering the state of the world (but that is for another time… probably never).

 

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This guy….

 

All in all I give this movie 1/2 a sweaty ball out of 2 sweaty balls.

 

 

Enders Game – My Biased opinion

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So I watched this movie over the weekend. I have to say I am not sure exactly where they were going with it. I enjoyed the little twist that they put right at the end of the movie. It was actually quite good and cruel at the same time. For those of you who are yet to watch it and or plan on watching it, please stop reading now. Any abuse directed at me as a result of this writing will NOT be tolerated. I will find you base on Clash of Clans and i will destroy. There will be spoilers… lots of them.

The kid and his father figure
The kid and his father figure

Movie starts off with this sort of weird looking and acting prepubescent boy, who is part of a training program the humans have started to use in the future to fight off an alien race that came once and beat us around like a piñata. So it was decided by the American Army (it’s always the Americans. This is where the aliens go when they attack in like all movies (see Cloverfield, Independence Day), this is where the end of the world starts (See that movie with John Cusack where they end up in Africa),and this is also where all the virus’ that turn people into Zombie start (Resident Evil) that children would be the best mind to fight this invading alien force. All of these must be hidden messages in movies that we need to keep in our minds. From this I can deduce that the Americans have a secret treaty with aliens, the end of the world WILL start in America, and they have been making weaponised zombie virus’ since they first reanimated a dead body probably in the early 1970s during the days when LSD and ecstasy where the norm. But I have digressed. Back to the movie, they set about to train kids, and the brilliant ones go off to some space station where they train a little bit more.

Controlling stuff in a futuristic weird way
Controlling stuff in a futuristic weird way

This movie is based on a book, and I suspect that the book does it more justice than the pants I watched for almost an hour. The Ender kid is a pale, lanky, socially unaccepted kid, with the mind of a killer. His father figure of Harrison “Indiana Jones” Ford, does a good job of believing in him throughout the whole movie, and then shafting him right at the end and watching as what this poor little kid Ender thinks is a simulation, is actually real as he annihilates a total species and planet. Ender also sacrifices a whole bunch of humans in the attack. Obviously he didn’t know, but good going father figure Ford!

There is also this weird chick that kid of likes the Ender dude, but they are kids, so they can’t really have them making out or anything. There is this very weird sexual tension going on between the kids that i don’t get. It was very weird.

Ender has an older brother who used to also beat him up for fun, which is normal in my opinion. And then his sister who seemed to be the only person  in his whole family who actually gave a flying squirrel about him and his decisions. His mum and dad were passable as bit part characters that could have been left out and i wouldn’t have noticed.

The movie does have a weird ending. It seems that Ender is far more mature than most of us even adults. He goes and has a conversation with the last remaining alien of that species. It convinces him to take the last remaining egg of hers, and asks him to go on a mission of epic proportions to find a planet that they can inhabit, breed, then come back for revenge. At this stage Ender is an admiral so he can pretty much do whatever he likes. He sends his sister one last email from space, and goes off to rebuild the terror that once killed hundreds of millions of people on earth… because his father figure tricked him into killing the alien species.

The conversation that Ender has with the alien is not in English… but at the end of the movie, ender is convinced that is what he needs to do. May God help us when Ender finds a planet for the aliens and they come back for us….

All in all it’s a pretty movie visually, even though I didn’t watch it on the big screen and watched it at home on my PS3, if you have nothing to do for almost two hours it is a very easy movie to follow. Feel free to play poker on your phone/tab while watching, there isn’t much of a surprise in the movie as Ender is tipped to be “the guy” from the very very beginning. No surprises of the brilliant one who saves the human race jumping out of the closet and telling everyone why the aliens had come in the first place.

 

BBBRRRAAAAIIINNNSSSS!!!

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Well it is a surprise that I haven’t done a blog on a topic that all my friends think I am crazy about. I am in fact not crazy about zombies at all. I do think that it’s a brilliant concept for a movie and especially a TV show. A lot of people think that the main reason I watch zombie movies is because they are scary. In actual fact I watch horror movies very sparingly. However zombie movies aren’t really scary as far as I am concerned, apart from 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later.

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The reason why those ones were a little more frightening (as opposed to scary) is because of the variety of the type of zombie in these movies. Most people when they think of zombies they think of the slow walking, rather dumb zombie. These movies have the feral, fast moving zombies.

The reason why I like zombie movies and series such as The Walking Dead is because the show makes you think what YOU would do in some of the situations that the characters get into.

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It’s about survival. What lengths would you go to survive? Also what is morally right? Is it ok to do something that is say morally wrong if it means you and, say family survives? Furthermore who are the walking dead? Is it the small band of humans who are trying to stay alive? Or does the walking dead refer to the zombies? It brings an interesting dynamic to the whole show as it makes you make a personal choice about what YOU consider to be the story.

The unfortunate thing is that people ask, “What’s the Walking Dead/28 Weeks Later/Warm Bodies/World War Z about?” The moment the some people hear “Zombies and….” They switch off. They have every right to. But these movies are about more than flesh eating monsters, who for whatever reason have an insatiable appetite for brains. Sometimes they don’t even explain the WHY. The reason for that is because the why isn’t important.

Another excellent example of this is this British show called Dead Set.

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The basic premise is a zombie apocalypse happens while people are in the big brother house. They basically decide it’s better to stay in the house than go outside. Makes sense to me. Everyone dies at the end which I thought was pretty far out. However they don’t explain why people started munching on each other. That was left for you to figure out on your own.

The main thing I kinda glean from zombie movies is about thinking outside the box. The question I always ask people, and their responses always crack me up, is a simple one: If the world was coming to an end, and you were in a supermarket, what would you take and why?

Comment below and let’s hear the answers you have!