The Movie Critic is Born

I would like to start by warning you that this has spoilers.. a lot of spoilers. Spoilers that will not only brief you about the plot of the movie, rendering it pointless to watch, but those who watched it and enjoyed it might want to reconsider reading any further.

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Staring Brad Pitt and other people who’s names don’t matter

The Cast

As you can see from the poster than I hastily downloaded off the internets, this movie stars Brad Pitt. No one else in this movie is relevant. A quick search on IMDB reveals that the movie is 1hr 56min long, which I have to say is a comfortable length. Its not excruciatingly long, and neither is it “we thought we had enough money to film the whole film but, you know we don’t have that much money really… sorry” short. It’s manageable.

Another search on IMDB reveals that the other central figures in this movie are his wife, real name Mireille Enos (Who has appeared in The Killing (I have never heard of this movie), Gangster Squad (again….) and Animal Attraction (Sounds like a porn movie but isn’t).

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Pitt’s wife’s face is like this for like 80% of the movie

The Director

His name is Marc Forster. IMDB tells me that he moved to Davos, Switzerland, with his German parents. I can also inform you that to date he has directed movies such as Machine Gun Preacher (sounds like a B movie I would watch), Quantum of Solace (which I thought was a pile of slightly dry horse shit), Kite Runner (read the book and did not watch the movie), Finding Neverland and Monsters Ball to name a few. He is a complete unknown to me.

The Plot

If I don’t make sense it’s because the movie didn’t make sense to me. I am also by the way a person who enjoys zombie movies. With that in mind the action this movie started off with had me sitting up. The opening 15-20min lay out the story is just random. There are a few explosions, a few UNBELIEVABLE car accidents. Then all of a sudden Pitt is working again. Some sort of virus turns people into violent, screaming, quick moving “zombies” (I put that in inverted commas because they never confirm or deny that that’s what they are calling them. Also apart from their thirst for human flesh, they look more like someone who spent 5min too longer under one of those sun bed tanning things).

Anyway Pitt plays the role of some dude who used to work for the U.N and has been to “Some very dangerous places around the world”, which is something they keep mentioning throughout the movie. But most of the time he is surrounded by a some American marines or Israeli army who are armed to the teeth. We never really see him being bad ass. Even at the end of the movie when he works out how to get past the “zombie”, he still doesn’t seem badass. In fact the most badass person in the movie is this Israeli army chick. Yes Pitt Saves her, but she’s hardcore. loses a hand, but keeps on going. She’s the one with the beret below.

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Regardless of the fact that he has been in some dangerous places around the world, he still has a corp protecting him…

They travel from America to Israel to Wales in pretty quick succession as they follow the virus. Pitt goes from being some guy who has been to dangerous places to suddenly working out how to mask yourself from the zombies. He works this out faster than the best virologists the movie has to offer. However that’s understandable. His name is the only one on the poster for a reason.

Conclusion

If you are a true zombie movie fan, don’t bother. If you like action movies that are light on a story line, the go for it. If you like thrillers that have a story that quickly fizzles out into an adventure movie, with “zombies” that move at a frenetic speed but close up look like someone who has taken waaaay too much magic mushrooms, then go for it.

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On a scale of 1 to 10 of scariness of zombie looks, I put this in the low to mid 0…

Oh, Pitt and one other person are the only two survivors of a plan crash… he throws a grenade at some zombies. They are the only two who survive. THAT’S why he was needed to solve this “zombie” apocalypse.

Watch if you don’t really have anything else to do. I can tell you I deleted it after I watched it… so did Chris…

Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes – Oscar Wilde

The beginning of my year

So as some of you know it was my age day on Saturday. I turned a year older. A step closer to the dreaded 30. Between me and my friends, 30 is an age where the wheels either fall apart or they come together. I think it’s because it’s a big unknown. I guess every year is a big unknown. The expectations of maturity are greater. More people asking when I am going to get married or why I’m not married yet, asking about kids. It’s funny when it comes from someone who is neither married or has kids. It’s as if they think that once you hit a certain age if you haven’t done certain things you are weird. Well I was born weird. Of course I am about to digress from the topic at hand so I will redirect the brain cell for the time being.

Pumpkinication – The feeling that one is about to turn into a pumpkin. Usually followed by a sense of helplessness. Reason for turning into a pumpkin are not always known or clear. (Ensign’s Book of Made up Terms)

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I somehow imagined that this is what I was going to look like

My birthday every year is something that I find hard to describe. It is always random. Some weird shit almost always happens.

This year started off civilised. On the Friday night (day before the actual day of pumpkinication), I went out for dinner with a few people. It was at a restaurant called Carriage Halt. The décor of the place was quite pleasant, the food was pretty good, the drinks menu was passable and the service was SHOCKING. Oh my days…. It was actually ridiculous. I’ve had to reorder drinks when I have been at a bar and the waiter is overwhelmed by the people around him also trying to order. But we were in a room so technically this dude was supposed to be OUR waiter. I do suppose that every food outlet has good and bad days. Theirs was especially a bad day. That didn’t put a damper on the dinner because the company made the night, not the restaurant or the food or the tequila shots with chilli at the bottom. The company made the night. (The tequila chilli shots did result in me almost losing my stomach).

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Thanks to Bibi, beer pong was mobilised…

The following day I had a braai/bbq at home with friends and family. That was a standard affair. People came and left and came again. It was good. Of course I couldn’t help shake the feeling that I had turned into a pumpkin. I spent a lot of the night walking around restlessly like there was something I was supposed to have done. I couldn’t figure it out none the less. Of course it eventually came to my attention what it was. For the first time in YEARS, i was a little upset that some of my friends who had said they would come to the dinner and the braai didn’t come. I then became even more upset when i figured out that in my newfound age i had suddenly grown feelings.

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Some of these items would also be in my trolley in the even of The Zombie Apocalypse

Feeling’s I never used to have on my previous birthdays that the fun was had by those present.

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To the left beer pong being set up. To the right gents setting themselves up for whatever they spent the rest of the night doing

It made me sit down, rethink and maybe also reinvent myself. But i realised that I like me as I am. I will say that I have learnt a few things over the last year of mine.

  1. There is nothing wrong with exercise. It helps to confuse one’s liver
  2. You need to figure out how to be happy without the person who makes you happy.
  3. Forgive people for the things they do to you. Never forget their faces
  4. I need to spend more time just with myself
  5. The Last Of Us is an awesome game
  6. It’s nice to have goals and dreams. It’s better to want them
  7. Losing friends isn’t as bad as FaceBook makes it out to be
  8. Life isn’t all puppies and lap dances
  9. Fights and arguments are two different things
  10. This feelings thing that I found is kinda wack

With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone – Oscar Wilde

What it has taken me 33 years to learn

The Justin McElroy Institute

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-You can be funny and kind or funny and cruel. The second one is easier, but the first one is worth it.

-Dip the french fry in the Frosty. Go on, try it.

-Habit is a powerful force we forget about until it’s turned against us. Be careful which ones you create.

-You will remember the most embarrassing crap you do in your life forever and in perfect clarity. Everyone else will remember the kindest things you do. It all comes out in the wash.

-If you’re doing a remote podcast, it’s worth it to record audio locally and mix it together. Trust me on this one.

-You’re the only one who can let go of your grudges. It’s worth it, I promise. They’re not doing you any good.

-Doing the good, brave, kind things can feel silly if you let your internal critic get in the way. Reminder: No…

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The Fairy Tale by Bibi

I have managed to convince my beautiful girlfriend to come and give a guest spot on my blog. She has agreed to come in once and month and have her say. Without further delay, meet Bibi.

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Before we get started, let me just say, this is not a bragging session or an ode to my (very patient) boyfriend. This is just an account of my personal feelings…

Once you become an adult, you become free to have relationships. This is an essential part of human growth. What I have come to realise, is that there is a difference between being an adult and being a woman.

If you ask all my friends, my most recent catch phrase when I speak about my bf is “I take my relationship VEEEERY seriously”. This isn’t just something I like to say (even if it does roll off the tongue quite smoothly!) This is something I live. To the outside world, I can see why my relationship may seem so “rosy” or “perfect” or whatever, but in reality, this isn’t by accident. It is hard work! I will say that I’m blessed with a person who doesn’t know how to stop talking, and therefore we talk about everything. I’m gonna just run that by you again, We. Talk. About. EVERYTHING.

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This has, of course, led to a number of tense conversations (which by the way people rarely see because we have a rule about not fighting in public). This is the thing though: loving someone may (or may not) be a choice, but being with them is. I know who, and what I have chosen. The things I don’t know, well I can only have FAITH.

They say “Love is about giving someone the power to hurt you, and just hoping that they won’t.” We all know that when embarking on a relationship, there is the possibility of being hurt. What I have come to find out is that there can be real power in a relationship. I have grown into a woman, through to this relationship. I would love to say I did it all for him, I’m just not that selfless. The astounding part is that I actually want this for me too.

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It might seem like an odd thing to say, but I am a NUTCASE. I never thought I’d find someone who thought my bad temper, my (stealth) moodiness or my tendency to say inappropriate things, were lovable qualities. To be honest I question his sanity a lil bit. He is however, also willing to work at this relationship with me. That’s where the power is. We have never had a “deal breaker” argument. Does that mean we don’t have boundaries? Absolutely not. It means that we – and yes in this I’m speaking on his behalf (we talked about it) never end an argument thinking that it’s over. Sounds easy…

When the sound of your partner breathing makes you want to strangle them, this simple task becomes a bit harder.

The way we run our relationship is based on constant communication. This does not work for everyone, but it works for us. The key part of all of this is that IT IS WORK. I feel like, if you want to have a successful relationship you have to put in the work. Full stop.

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I am not expecting for our Happy Ending to just fall into our laps. We are going to fight, kick, scream and maybe even hurt each other’s feeling sometimes to get there. In the end though, it’s not the destination. It’s the person you choose to share the ride with.

A Case for Not Bitstripping Yourself

hmmmm

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How charming, the idea of turning yourself into a comic version of yourself. How effortless to plonk yourself into a two-dimensional world of flat colour where you can live out your fantasies.

“Instant comics and cards starring YOU and your friends (capitals mine).”  That’s what greets you when you open the Bitstrip app. In this case, the word that trumps ‘instant’ is the word ‘you.’ In fact, the one thing this app does well is pander to your need to be the star of your own TV show. But since that’s way too expensive and Youtube isn’t for everyone who doesn’t emanate Ryan-Higa-like energy, a comic is the next best thing.

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Its been a while

Due to work related issues, and also a heat that has been almost beyond believable, I have been awfully inactive with regards to this blog-o-mine. Strangely enough, I also haven’t had any random conversations that were good enough for me to remember and then to follow up with a ramble about. Maybe its a good thing. Maybe it means that I have run out of relevant things and all that’s left for me to do is to share with you the intimate things that grind my gears.

1. Econet Wireless

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Not sure what change they have made in my world except wanting to leave them

Ok. So for those of you who don’t know Econet are a mobile provider and claim to have the largest subscriber base here at home. The reason why I say claim is because most people have had more than one line at any time. I think I have about three lying around. Anyway they recently decided to continue raping their customers when they recently decided that 30c wasn’t enough to make a phone call. Also if you have more than 30c and you make a phone call you get cut off once it gets below 30c. I mean, who the hell does that? Also does that mean whenever we buy airtime we should be buying them in multiples of 0.70c and not multiples of 1?

And (I know its poor grammar to start a sentence with the word “and”) how can you charge people 9c for a text message? That’s pure insanity. Like how did they come to the conclusion that that’s a fair price. I read an interesting article. Econet were boasting about how they had spent around $1.2 BILLION US DOLLARS on investments in Zimbabwe.

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Some of the figures aren’t really proven as far as I am concerned. I am also a sceptic in my spare time

I was like WOW….. that’s a shitload…. how come I have NO idea what ANY of these investments have been? Coz that’s a lot of money to invest without telling one or 200 000 people, “Hey that was us Econet investing in that.”. In fact the article goes on to say that “more than 50 000 direct and indirect jobs had been created, more than 20 000 small businesses had been sustained by the company and in excess of 25 000 young people are now employed selling airtime and other services.” Oh ya by the way, the margins that these guys make for every dollar of airtime they sell is less than 10c per dollar they sell… its minimal. They are being shafted.

Evil Corporation 1 – Ensign 0

2. Harare Drivers

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This is a typical no traffic lights no rain situation. I don’t have a no traffic lights plus rain situation pic…. yet.

It’s like there is an unwritten law in the Highway Code of Zimbabwe that says “Should there be a loss of power at a set of traffic light and/or rain, all drivers are to forget how to drive on the roads and the rules of the road are no longer relevant.”. I mean most drivers in Harare are bad, but just kill the power to a traffic light, throw in some rain and you have instant gridlock. It’s as if some drivers decide the world is coming to an end coz these traffic lights aren’t working and it’s raining. So now… it’s a fight for survival! The funny thing is that when you go to smaller towns, the drivers are so chilled, the pedestrians aren’t dodging cars, cars stop at zebra crossings, they don’t jump red lights. Hell in Harare (you would think the capitol would lead by example) its lawless on the roads. For a pedestrian trying to cross a zebra crossing, it’s their responsibility to only cross when it’s clear or they think they can make it.

Harare Drivers 1 – Ensign 1 (I have adapted and I know the ways of the crazed Harare driver)

3. Overpriced Electronics

It has been proven that in Zim, after something electronic is imported, after duties and all the relevant taxes are placed on that item. There is one more tax that is added which I have come to name the Zimbo tax. I find it hard to fathom how a second hand PS3 game at the FLEA MARKET is 50 bucks. Come on! I mean most of these games the won’t even have the inside cover of the games. This really irks me coz I have no inkling to buy electronic goods here at home. More over with the way I like THINGS, they are over priced for me at home! No man… not cool

Overpriced Electronics 1 – Ensign 0

It’s not a race if you are the only one participating – Me